My fleece explained

I have just finished rereading my newsletters throughout this year. My sister and I were talking how several life changes have occurred during my stay here in Honduras. I can see some of them in my letters. Others run to areas so deep in my heart I never would have imagined them being touched before my death. They are precious changes. They are private.
I have been holding English lessons with one of the Honduran ladies that live here in Santa Ana. She asked how many more weeks it was before I leave for good. She doesn’t want me to leave. I have 5 weeks left. Time is too short. I already miss the kids and the new friends I have made here when I think of myself being in the States. How do I let myself mourn?
I have a few Stones River Church family members here this week. I have not got to spend the time with them I would like to have spent. That is ok. I will be back in middle TN soon and will be able to enjoy their company then.
Precious Dave V. said if he had known what my fleece was (gas tank for cooking) he would have sent me five. I have heard similar things from others as well, even advice on how I could still get one. I love you for that. I hope you will understand though, when I say that I truly believe God made the decision and answered my question clearly.
I had made my need for a tank known to those who work here. They tried to find me one. I had expressed to several, if not everyone, that I would try to have an answer by mid March on my decision to stay or go. The date didn’t feel right. After praying, I felt at peace with the end of March, up through the very last minute of the month. I received nothing that indicated that anyone felt one way or the other about me staying or leaving. I was torn my self. I didn’t know which I wanted more. I heard nothing from God, nothing from my heart. I only knew of that, which was the deepest desire in my heart…To do what God wanted me to do, and I needed Him to tell me. Not being able to hear from Him when I always had before was a scary thing to face. I didn’t know how to handle it. I heard an acquaintance mention laying down a fleece. I was immediately reminded of Gideon in Judges 6. I asked God what I could use as my fleece. I soon thought of the gas tank. A nearly impossible item to obtain here would not be impossible for God if He wanted me to stay.
I did not feel released to tell what my fleece was, only that I had one. I already knew several who would have gotten me one on their on will had I told them what it was. How quick that would have taken the decision away from God. He knows my needs and He knows my desires even more than I do. That is one of the things that make Him so wonderful.
Wednesday, March 30th. Dorian took me to the travel agent for my ticket to El Salvador. We stopped at a place we thought would sell a tank. They did not. Dorian returned to the car and said they told him where to by one. We returned to Casa. Why didn’t we go to the place to get the tank? Oh yeah. The supposedly worst teacher strike in their 32 years of protesting closed many streets and affected many businesses, causing brut force leading to a loss of a life. No wonder we didn’t go and get the tank. (Sorry. I thank a bit of irritation slipped out there). Lord, the only vehicle I know how to drive has been in the repair shop for what seems over a month. I don’t have any more chances to go to town myself and hunt for one.
Thursday, March 31st. Two new kids have arrived to Casa; Adonis who is 8 and his little sister Lupita who recently turned 6. She is adorable. I am tired of wringing my hands Lord. Marc asked me what I decided. I told him I would tell him tomorrow. He gave me a hug, said they loved me and I was family. After all I have lived there for a year. Will I have my tank by 11:59pm?
Friday, April 1st. It is really early. I am not stating if I am staying or going until I have checked outside my front door! Till I have asked Marc if He had found a tank!
He said “no”. I told him I was leaving Honduras. The gas tank was my fleece. I knew they had been looking. Karen asked me if I was staying. I choked out “no”. She said she was hoping I would stay. I had to step outside to rein back my tears at hearing what she just said.
Play time with the kids brought a chance for me to explain to Karen about my fleece. I told her what it was. Her face expression took my by surprise. She said when they were in town yesterday to pick up the new kids, Dorian said he knew where to buy a tank. He asked her if they should go now. She said “no” because they had the kids with them. They could get it another time.

If Karen, wanting me to stay, knew what my fleece was, I have no doubt she would have said let’s go get the tank. Had I told what my fleece was, I would have had over 10 tanks at my door before April 1st. I know that. I didn’t need to know what my friends and family wanted. You guys wouldn’t be supporting me if you didn’t want me here. I needed to know what I wanted. I can’t have both at the same time. More important, I needed to know what God wanted. He knows which would be best for all.

There are new acquaintances I have met through Honduras I may never see again. If it be so, I am sorry for that. If you ever come across this and read it, please know that I am thankful we crossed paths at least once in this life. Without you realizing it, God used you to make changes in those deepest recesses of my heart I never thought could be touched. I pray for a chance to tell you face to face. And if not, then I pray God stirs your heart in a way that leaves you in no doubt of your being one that was used.

There are new friends…I am sorry and can’t put you in my pocket and take you home with me.

“For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with your whole heart.” Jeremiah 29: 11-13 NIV

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